2005-11-12. Pardon me - I am having a teenage angst moment
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I have decided that the world is largely a cruel place that has slowly turned shadow and overcast. The clouds have rolled in on it. It is a playground of pain and the Gods use us as their playthings. We slip past each other with a mere sliver of a tangent keeping us apart. Skipping and bumping along reaching out for others and falling when they are afraid to reach back. I used to thing that the mere fact that I reached was the important thing but now I am not so sure. Now I am tired of visiting those falls. Analyzing that fall. Being critisized for that fall. Hurting from the bones that haven't set properly. Being glad for the ones that did. Will the ones that haven't healed right ever be set right? Or will it take a rebreaking and resetting? Ugh. I can't live with that dull pain gnawing at me from the inside daily. But I also can't take the pain of knowing that it could be reset but yet the one on duty to reset it still doesn't want to know how to do it right. Not really. Not truly. And I can't keep wondering if he'll ever know. If he will ever want it. So where does that leave me? Oh yes. Dull throbbing daily pain.

I feel like I have been splintered. Like I am lost in a fog. Watching my life from the outside.

I told J that I wanted security, safety. I don't know if that described it well enough. But I don't know how to put it into words myself. I suppose I want something I can *count* on. Boundries. Promises kept. Promises to me. I want to have that safe place with one person and them have it with me. I want to be a part of something that is magical and sets the world aflame and is free of doubt, worry and that that is based on trust and a mutual respect. I need someone to be there for *me* as much as I am for them. Someone who stimulates me and excites me. Makes me laugh and can debate art vs. life. Someone who finds me invaluable.

I have found someone who does all of that.

But mostly I need to figure out the answer to the riddle "the only one that can save her is herself". Seems so simple, doesn't it?