2006-03-15. No actually, I never did picture my wedding when I was a kid...
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I wonder sometimes at the other lives I could have lived. Or I guess still could live. Sometimes I wonder if I have killed a part of myself so that other parts could become stronger. The weaker part lost in a glittery storm.

I guess it's fear that makes me question and I seem to have a lot of it lately. Fear and wonder at what the right thing in life is and how even when you know you are doing the right thing it can be so goddamn scary. Yet you know that you have now forever sealed your fate and even though you are chasing a dream you have had for as long as you can remember the reality of it and the fact that you are in fact persuing it crashes down on your head and threatens to crush you. Crush you with the thoughts of what you could have. Crush you with the sing-song taunt of the word 'failure'. Tempt you with delectible treats that would steer you off path. Distract you like the sirens on a rocky beach calling to the sailor in the cave. Memories like fairy tales and experiences you will never have. But knowing that the one thing that has always been your joy in life is worth the fight and that those temptations are put in your way to prove if you really truly want it bad enough. Testing your conviction to your dreams.

I have to win the fight. I have to. It's all I have ever wanted.