2003-12-01. Tired of the race
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My life has always been hectic. Nothing was ever the same. Except what my mom made for dinner on the holidays. That was always predictable� I�ve moved a lot due to my father being in the service and had to focus on so many things that normal growing kids don�t have to deal with and may not understand. This has made me weird, desperate, detached and scattered. Or at least I think it�s from that. It�s easier to blame my childhood I guess than to say that I am just that fucked up and messy inside. I can�t stay living in the same place. I�ve lived in over 15 different places since first living on my own. Every place I have lived had not felt comfortable, my roommates were crazy, I can�t settle in, I feel like I need to go somewhere else, my eye is always roaming the For Rent signs.

I like my life of going to the clubs and hanging out with friends, but at the same time I feel choked by it, like it�s dwarfing the life I want to live, clouding where I want to be. Hell I feel like almost everything is doing that lately. I�ve realized in this year that all I really want is stability from life. I keep longing to buy a home to call mine. One I can really put an effort into making my safe place. I even had hopes that I could find that with this apartment I�m in now, since it�s just me living there, however things keep getting in the way.

Lately driving Alyx around with me and spending 6.5 out of seven days a week with him has been making life hard on me and my time, I feel like I have been the soccer mom to him and the cats and it�s really wearing me down. I know that he works a lot and I respect him wanting to have time at home, but I�m tired of doing all the driving and spending so much time away from mine. I kind of miss when we first moved here and we were so broke that we never went anywhere, we just stayed in and still managed to have a good time. We hung out next door and played a lot of video games. Now I am never home, I never get to clean my apartment or do my laundry. I just want to be able to come home from work, eat some dinner, do the dishes, feed the cats, clean the litter box, read a little or make some hair and get a good nights� sleep. I�m tired of wasting all this time driving from my apartment to his apartment. I really don�t like driving that much. I�m tired of trying to pass the time and find something to do at his place while he enjoys being home and relaxes or cleans his room and his roommate is yelling at the hockey game or constantly there. Sometimes I feel like we�re dating him, too. I�m tired of chasing after Alyx reminding him to call people or to find out where the doctors office is so I can drive his ass there, tired of being the one in charge of the social calendar, while he boasts about being �drama free� and not attached to gossip. I�m tired of watching him blow every cent of his paycheck when there are so many things that he needs to be spending that money on.

It�s fucked up because I love Alyx SO much, but there�s this part of me that wants to just be alone so I can work on me. Work on actually making a real life for myself and not constantly living someone else�s. I�m feeling very selfish I guess. Or needy? Just, well, tired. And wanting to not feel like I am running everywhere I go and then feeling guilty when I lash out and act like a lunatic from it.

I want to finish moving in to my apartment, too. Put up the mirror and those shelves. Hang my Sally poster up instead of having it lean against the wall. I want to make curtains and put my toolbox away. Get my file cabinet together. Organize my closet. All this stupid shit that I can never seem to do since I�m either working or Alyx says �let�s go get some food� and then �let�s just stop in here and look around� and so on. Which I love doing and have a good time so it�s my fault, I should say no, but I love being with him. I just seem to have skipped some steps and need to go back and fill them in.

I told him that for my birthday all I really want is for him to fix his bike. Then I will stay in and work on all this without having to live his life, too. And I will put my needs out there and really pay attention to them.

Now, let�s hope the bike gets fixed soon. I�ve got a lot of thinking to do.