2001-03-23. wandering the depths
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***sigh***
***breathes in and out***
***sighs***
Well... As I posted that last entry and reviewed it, sitting in a chair by the phone jack, feet propped up out of the puddle. Huddled pathetically in that chair in the wet empty corner, letting the sounds of The Legendary Pink Dots soothe me a bit, or at least draw me onto a place far away... My laptop froze twice as I went to edit the fuck ups in the entry (some of you may have noticed the italics debacle - I fixed it...now). And after the second time, I started yelling at it and crying and in a fit of rage from somewhere in my weary, tired heart...
i grabbed the phone cord and jerked it out of the laptop, pulling the entire modem out.
I broke it good. So no more modem at home. I fucked up the one thing we still had - however slow it was.
I started sobbing harder as Alyx came and shut down the computer and picked me up out of the chair and brought me to the bed, across the room, in it's new, dry home. I laid face down on the bed sobbing uncontrolably. He laid on top of me and held me for a while. I sobbed hard for about an hour. We talked a bit. About how I find myself getting jealous of his exgirlfriends (which is TOTALLY unlike me) because, I realized that night, I see pictures of him with them, or hear him talk about them and I see/hear about fun being had. And I feel like we never get to have any real adventures here, like he'll think about time with me and think "boring", "stressful", "crazy". He assured me that I was worth all of this drama, and that "the times with those girls were good, but in the end, not good enough" and that he wants to be with me more than anything.
I woke up with broken blood vessels under my eyes.
We also talked about his fascination with my ability to cry like I do. He can't really cry. Which I think is sad
(...maybe I'll cry about it... :)...). And he thinks that a lot of it has to do with his Dad and the shit his Dad did/said. He cried once around me. We were rolling on New Years and he was telling Pimper and Dauray about us and our relationship. reading some of our emails to them. He cried that night talking about how much he loves me.
I don't know... I can't think.I'm weary of being weary...
There's so much going on, yet nothing at all... I went to the Actors Studio last night to see a reading of this play called Blues for Mr. Charlie. It was an overall amazing evening. The play is stunning - I know I read some of it many years ago, but didn't really remember it. It's about the race struggle in the south in the 60's. It's a brilliant script, I highly recommend it...
So it had Ossie Davis in it as the big name, but I went because my dear friend Michael C. was in it. He had the role of the racist pig who kills this black kid over ego, really. Michael is the sweetest guy IRL... So it was an interesting departure.
And there was a talkback afterwards which was really funny. Rip Torn was there because he originally played the role Michael was. And he said NOTHING THAT MADE ANY SENSE!!! He was so fucked up drunk or some thing... I couldn't even describe the wierd shit he said.
But then Alyx and I went out for drinks with Michael and his roomate, Paul and talked about all sorts of things. I love having intellectual friends...Even if there are very few here in the city.
And on the walk to the subway I realized how good it makes me feel that Michael doesn't act superior to me because he's older than me. He makes jokes about being "so much older" but I never feel like it around him. Like he listens to what philosophical babble I have to say and treats it with the same consideration as he would someone his age.
He called me a fatalist last night...
And he moves next week... poo... He got a job as artistic director of the Cape May theatre. So it's a good move, but still sad...
Did I mention we have no gas again?... They discovered Steve's "plan" and all this shit's happining now and we're resigning a lease with the UberLandlord soley. Steve worries about his place only. Gas will be turned on by UberLandlord.
Sorry this is so long again...
And some lovely girl is going to help redesign my page with a design she can't use on her site! So, yea! Check out her site, it's great.She rocks
.hopefully I can get a new modem for the laptop from my mother's work (where the laptop came from)... at least we still can play Solitare...