2001-03-26. I hurt on the inside
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So here I am. At work. Had an okay weekend. Sunday was very nice. Saturday was just spent sitting around and watching movies, reading, sleeping, moping. Sunday we went up into Williamsburg to check out where the cool people live and shop. I got a pair of cool Rocketdog suede shoes for $11 and Alyx got a great old Majonng (sp?) set for $10 (worth about $150) and we had a very nice time. Walking around, looking at books and clothes. Then we went home to watch the Oscars and surprisingly. Mike came over with Amanda and her friend and we had chinese food and snacks and beer and smoked up and despite being very cold and the crazy girl Amanda brought, things felt somewhat normal.

But I still had this nagging sense of unrest. I kept telling myself that I was just high and the twin bed/couch is not comfy or good for cuddling with my sweetie, but it really is our whole situation. I find myself today wanting to run screaming down the streets until I get far enough away from all this. I keep wondering if we should do like Rob and Melissa did and move back to Florida for a few months and then get out to LA, but I don't think that's a good idea either.

I feel like a hollow shell of a person. Like I'm caught in quicksand. I keep saying over and over "if only..." "if only..." I don't want to talk to anyone, I just want to be alone. Sometimes I think maybe I just want to die, or go crazy so I can just get locked away. I want to commit some terrible crime and go to jail so I have an excuse for the way I feel.

I just want to stop saying 'i just want'. It's like there's this bacteria infecting my body and has begun the slow and painful process of eating away my soul. I feel like I have no one to talk to about this. Alyx is in the situation, so he's not one I can really go to, he's biased. Everyone seems tojust stand at the edge of the hole that is my life and look in going, "well shit. I'm sorry, that sucks". Is it wrong or weak for me to want someone who lowers me down a branch. And not even a financial one, just some sort of assistance, emotional or otherwise.

I don't like myself since I've been crushed by this horrrible city of dreams.

And then I feel like I'm just being overdramatic and that I just need to buck up and move on. But I can't seem to. I keep coming around to how fucked up I think things are.

I find myself retreating into myself. Folding over into my deepest darkest place. Clinging to the love Alyx and I have, and how cute my dog is... She knows things are wierd, She's getting depressed, too.

My mother offered to pay for and acting class for me... She can be so sweet. I wish I could tell her all of what's going on... I think tonight Alyx and I need to have another talk on what the fuck is happening and if we're gonna be here for a while more (which I'm sure we will be) I'll start to look for a class. That'll be a nice place to go for me. Just me and what I love. Me able to get it all out...