2001-04-05. a pound of flesh
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**Kids, say thank you to Maggie for working on my rockin new layout...Thank you Maggie...**
Yeah. I'm lovin it so far.New. New is good. I think I may be addicted to new. I worry about that. That I'll never be satisfied. I'll always crave *new*...
Went out last night. Went to Gomorrah at True. Finally met Mistress Kaos and this girl Deanna. Mistres Koas is really wonderful. We're going to hopefully hang out this weekend.
We also saw Dina, too. Haven't seen her in a while. She almost shit. She thought we were dead.
But I overslept and was half an hour late to work and have a slight hangover today. whatever. The boss is out, so work is slow and we've been chatting all morning practically.
I can't wait to take a shower. We still have no gas. It's a million new excuses every five minutes...
I've been thinking about Mocksie's entry. It hit a cord deep inside me. I'm forever saying *someday* always feeling sick when I do. Feeling like saying it like that won't make it happen, but saying it anyway. I don't feel so in control of my life lately.
Life has a way of blowing all around you in gale force winds and I'm feeling a little disoriented right now. Reaching out for the slips of colored tissue paper sailing past me, trying to hold them and as I go up for another piece, my fists are already full with the ones I managed to catch before so as I reach out to grab a new one all the ones I labored to hold onto before slip away. There's no safe place to leave them, they just fall from my fingers in the attempt.
except in that place I have long hair...
I can't wait for summer. I need to get out from the burden of the heavy coats and layered pants. I need my body to be free. I need my mind to breathe. I need a yoga class. I need an acting class.
God! I feel like all I say lately is I need I need I need! I guess that's why I got so upset last night upon discovering that Alyx bought that rubber vest while I was gone. Because I *want* things, I want clothes and makeup and CD's and to go out and live it up. But right now the I *need* list is so damn overwhelming, too. And I feel like he not sure how to deal with that - because I'm in the picture now, there's two of us. I worry that subconciously his buying shit while I'm not around is sort of taking advantage of me. Because he's done it twice before and I forgave him and just took on the *it's too late now, I guess**nothing we can do about it now* attitude. That maybe he doesn't see how it hurts me because I'm not telling him, thereby hurting myself more.
I'm gonna talk to him about it tonight...
And then I wonder if talking me into buying that wig and other things I fretted over - before, during and after purchase - was some small way of compensating or atoning for his shit. But I think that's just me being overanalytical and paranoid. HE wants to feel good and be happy, and he wants ME to feel good too, but...
I'm just so confused... I hate being the one "in charge" of the money. It was so much easier when I just was responsible for my own shit, and when I fucked up that, it was my own problem.
But I guess that means both the same with the same problem. Since I don't know what to do and he doesn't know we're running around in circles...Gah!! These are the dangers of taking that next step in a relationship... But this is the time to work it out right? So it's good. We'll figure it out. We always do.