2001 - April 20. Back from the pits of no modem
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Well I'm back...

Thanks to my mother who is now, and I quote: Going to hell - I have a modem again. Slow, yes, but I won't fuck it up this time. She took it out of her old company laptop that she doesn't use anymore. But now she's *going to hell*. Sure. That's exactly why she's not. She thinks stupid things like that may be wrong with *god*. An old antiquated laptop that the company gave her to use that they wouldn't be ablr to give another agent because it's outdated. My mom cracks me up.

But her and my grandmother came to visit for a whirlwind 24 hours, and we had fun. The four of us went to see Chicago (the musical), which was great, and we had lunch and my mom saw my place and blah blah blah, but it was nice.

And on a really exciting note!:

I got Depeche Mode tickets!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FLOOR SEATS! Section 5! I love my sister so so so much! She snuck out of Act one to go to the campus computer lab to help me (my computer was too slow). So hooray! I am so excited! I've never even been to Madison Square Garden AND I'm seeing my favorite band there! Yes!Yes!Yes!

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When we were walking to the subway from seeing Chicago my mother and grandmother were walking behind us, my mother helping my grandmother along, and Alyx and I are arm in arm breathing in the city and the lights of Times Square. Alyx draws me closer to him in the crowd bustling past and whispers in my ear, "I hope when you are 81 that I'm still there to help you down the street." I was choking back tears as I muttered "I hope so, too."... My grandmother has been without my grandfather for 14 years now. I hadn't really realized it had been that long. She wears her wedding band on a gold chain around her neck. She had it reformed into the shape of a heart years ago, and had it changed to a necklace. She wears it every day. She told me over lunch that she only takes it off if she's getting a CAT scan... I started thinking about 60 years from now, when I'm in my eighties. How if I lost Alyx so many years before, how horrible that must be. Then I think of his grandmother. She's passed on now, but she lived to be an old woman. Her Tommy - as she would always refer to him died when he was 23. My age. They had a daughter, his mother. His grandmother never remarried. I understand it, completely, now. I think about these things, now. I see women on the subway with wedding bands and I think about their marriages. Do they make them happy? Did they feel what I feel? How were they sure this was what they wanted forever?

I wonder if the questioning of if your happiness is really what you think it is only comes when you've got it right?

Don't misunderstand - I have no intention of ending our relationship! It's just - have you ever been so happy you wonder if it's real? Or if you're dreaming?

In one month it'll be a year since we met each other. In three, our first kiss... So short a time... And yet I am consumed with him, his presence. I want nothing but to be with him. There is a tangeble hum around him that I always want to feel...

It's overwhelming...

It's addictive...

It's the best thing I've ever experienced...

I want it to last forever.

*sigh*