2001-april 21. pondering waste
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Have you ever wholly and sincerily (sp?) wasted a day? Just laid there hoping it would pass soon?

I did. I feel like I committed a crime.

I feel like I threw away something that should be held precious. So many opportunities, gone.

All because I'm broke and tend to fall into these shitty lapses of pitying myself.

Alyx tried to get me up and moving, but I couldn't. He understood, which was nice...

I hate being like this. I hate living like this. It always feels like forever until it's over and you're past it.

I guess that's what today was. Me just trying to get over and past this sucky ass, broke and pretty basically friendless time in our lives.

I go back and forth between hating this fucking city and being glad I'm getting to see it all. Mostly I just hate it.

I hate it's selectivism. I hate that you have to be one of the lucky few to get to really be in it. I hate that they make it so hard on those that aren't lucky enough to live in Manhattan.

I hate that you have to be so wealthy to live here.

I hate that I feel like we're the only one's around us who are drowning.

I hate feeling like I'm drowning.

I hate coming to the realization/finally admitting that I fucked up by moving here. That my life would be progressing at a very nice pace if I had stayed in Florida.

I hate that I keep dwelling on how I fucked up.

I hate admitting that I ran away...

...but I did run away. From a life I thought would never be the same because my best friend was changing and I graduated and my boyfriend and I broke up. And I thought I hated Florida. And I do - sort of. I'm just so confused.

Pauly (my ex) wrote me an email the other day. It made me happy. He said he had a dream with me in it. We were hanging out and wanting to talk and there were lots of loud people around and we couldn't find a place to sit and we couldn't really talk.

If that doesn't seem obvious to you, I don't know how to spell it out for you...

And what's wierd is, I've been feeling like that, too. I've been wanting to talk to him, too. I haven't written back yet, but I will tomorrow.

I feel like I didn't get closure on my life in Orlando. I feel like I want nothing but to close the book on life here. I keep trying to figure out a fucking plan and nothing is coming. I'm like a record stuck in a groove here.

-rent 20 days late, again

-work hard to come by, again

-feeling low, agian

-wanting to do something and can't afford to, again

-feeling like it may come together and then it doesn't, again

-trying to find a solution to get the f@*k out of here and failing, again

So if anyone has any suggestions on how I can save up about $6,000 while paying off credit card debt, enormous rent and trying to fucking live in this city. Please, do share.

I can't say I like what I've become here.