2001, May 9. steamroller
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You can only help yourself, really... I keep having to remind myself of that as the days go on. I keep trying to make things happen. I'm afraid to make any rash decisions. I hate feeling like I'm in charge, yet I can't make things work. I feel kind of alone.

Things are heated and dramatic as usual... I feel like I fucked up by not going with Sandra to that interview with American Eagle. Her life is really fucked, but she's starting that next week. And if I had gone, I'd have a friend with me for four weeks for training and a good paying job... Whatever. My landlord, Simon, said you can't discuss the past or you'll be talking for years and years and years. Only the future.

The future...

I wonder if the problem is that that's all I think about. I don't deal well enough with the present...

Jodi called me yesterday while I was out. I was gonna call on Mother's Day. But it made me feel so good to hear from her, to hear that she misses me. I miss her oodles. When you leave you find out who really cares about you. Who's important. And you find people who you didn't even know cared as much as they do... (Andy - if you're reading this: Don't forget we still have to go dancing!!) It's a crazy crazy time. I just can't wait for it to be over...

It can't rain all the time...