2001-07-19. Answers welcome
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I keep waitin for a path to be clear. An answer to be delivered. I think maybe I should stop looking. Isn't that when they are supposed to come? It seems like a giant sucking vaccuum. Like every time I seem to maintain a little semblence of hope/stability/forward movement it all gets dashed. What the fuck is up with that?

And I think my best friend may be displeased with me. He seems wierd. I hope he's not doing that push-you-away-cuz you're-leaving shit. That is my most enormous - not even pet peeve. I fucking hate that shit!! It's been pulled on me by too many tremendously close people and it shreds me every time. I think it is the most distasteful and unfriendly thing someone can do to you. If your my friend, be my friend. My leaving doesn't make me not your friend, it doesn't make me not think of you when I see something that you'd like or make me not want to hear your voice for no good reason except that I miss you.

I have friends that do this and I hope it is not happening now. I wouldn't ever have thought that he would be that way. And maybe he's not and I'm just paranoid. I am after all *clinically insane* according to those shrinks that say that if you've done more than 13 hits of acid you are officially wacked. Hmpf.

I guess I'm just especially sensitive because at this point I feel pretty alone. I feel like I have so few friends to go to and be, well, friends with, lately. That's another reason I miss Jodi so much. She's one of those friends who just knows when shit's fucked and she listens and hugs or gives me some booze or just asks about life. Even though she knows what's going on. Just to ask. Just to extend that love and assistance. God I miss her.

This whole LA thing is fucked enough without everyone close to me saying "how the hell are you going to pull that off?" At what sucks is, I keep getting to where I can see it as able to happen and then the toilet flushes and down I go. I just don't get it.

And what's funny is, my frinds in LA are the ones who are being the most supportive. I feel this tremendous love energy and pull that that's what's making this even harder. It's just the NY toilet sucking me in every two weeks.

If we could just land a roommate in LA, shit would be a little easier. A little less ambiguous. At this point I'm damn near ready to throw everything in my storage unit into the street and hitch-hike, cuz it seems like that'll be the way it has to be. But I can't do that really, cuz then I won't have a bed or clothes, and I kinda will need them.