2001-09-06. Update on Couch Tour 2001
=======
Being on the edge of a nervous brakedown is no fun kids...

We've got a ten day sublet which will get us through the 23rd. Hopefully then we can stay at my friend Michael and Paul's for a few days and then a week at Anthony and Jessica's if we need to.

It's all about questions right now. If I were the prize fighter in David Sedaris's dream - my eyebrows would be in the big fat question mark.

Last night I wrote this:

Well, it seems that all I can do as I lay in bed is sob. I lay there and wish I had enough booze to drink so I could pass out in peace - or any booze. I think about how I want to die. I really almost do right now. Right now is emotional rock bottom for me. I'm shaking, nausous and feel very lonely.

I realized with some degree of crushing wieght that, yes I want to go to LA, but my rush was not so much because of being there would be my success, but beating New York would be. I could say that I did it. I feel like I've failed in a major way. *This is if I end up in FL- which it seems like it might unless a fucking miracle falls on top of my head like an anvil in a cartoon. And I mean, Rob and Melissa went back there from here and it happened for them because of it. I guess I'm just looking at it all wrong.

It also doesn't help that I've turned into this big fucking pile of ineffectual blob. I not only feel like I'm letting myself down, but I feel like I'm letting Alyx down. That I've done nothing to prove that I'm a strong self sustaining individual. That I can take charge. Like that description he wrote of me before we were really dating was so very wrong (the one he read me, but was not originally planning to - I'd write it in, but it's in storage with the rest of my life). Right now it seems that he's stuck with a useless drag of a manic depressive. And if I *were* to ever kill myself, (which I'm not, so chill out) I think he'd be more pissed off & disappointed in me than anything... I don't feel like a trooper anymore...

I feel like I'm here in the Fire Swamps of NY and it's dealt out one too many fire spurts. And I've proven that I can't do it. Fine. Thanks for the experience. Thanks for the best and worst of everything.

I think NY is like Vietnam. You really don't know what it's like unless you've been through it. Or maybe not Vietnam - but more like having an addiction to Heroin. Yea. Pleasure and pain, despairs and highs, wallet draining and hard to leave. Definately like heroin... But I guess I wouldn't *really* know, since I've never been through it...

*******

are there answers out there? is anyone out there?

Addendum: I feel like a big fucking shit... I guess Sign My Guestbook has not been notifying me when people sign... So all of you who have, and I didn't know - THANK YOU - I just about cried just now... I had no idea that anyone had written in it for about 6 months now... Wow... I don't know what to say... thank you...