2005-06-08. beautiful spirit find your way through the shadows
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I know you don't remember this address... This little place... Why would you? It was given to you once so long ago and I have never had to write here since, really.

But here is where I will write and feel that maybe I am anonymous. That only those with eagle eyes and owl's memories will read. Which means that they are the ones I adore - the ones who matter.

I feel like my insides are being pulled out. I can't focus. I go from feeling so positive and hopeful to wanting to break down and at least hear his voice.

I responded to his email today. Just briefly - but I did. I told him I am still here for him. I shouldn't have, but I did.

I wonder every minute of the day what he is doing. I couldn't stop thinking all day about how it was his first day at work and wanting to hear all about it.

I keep thinking that maybe banning all contact was bad. That I should at least IM him. But I know the answer. I know what I should be doing. I know that I have to be strong and not give in. What kind of example am I if I don't?

I got through my shoot today thinking about him. The shots the photographer seemed to get excited the most about was when I was imagining his hands, his lips, his eyes. The whole shoot was for him in my mind.

I fell asleep last night with his head on my shoulder. I could actually feel it there. Cuddled up to me. His wieght heavy on me. Nuzzled up like a puppy. I could smell his hair.

I'm here. I'm here. Please... please get better. Please find your way... Please live up to your beautiful spirit...