2005-06-10. Will I ever shut up?
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It's been a long month already and it's only been a week. But I guess one week down right? Talked to him again... Briefly. On AIM. I swear if things aren't looking in a positive direction in three weeks I am going to totally implode. I don't think I will be able to handle it. I am in stasis and am not interested in forgetting about him - but I will if I have to. I just hate waiting.

I wanted to ask if he'd made any calls yet. I wanted to ask so much.

It's funny how the little things in my day make me miss him. Just things that I would normally do or say that are different now. I feel like I am stuck. All these wonderful things we talked about doing and now I feel like I am staring blankly at the future, still wanting to do them but that the real excitement and wonderment is gone for me. Because he is gone. Experiencing things with him is so fun - he is infectious. How did I get so wrapped up?

I slept terribly last night/this morning despite being drunk. I thought about sneaking into his bed while he was at work and sleeping. I always sleep so well there. Sounds crazy yes - but in a sleep haze it sounded divine.

Maybe I should just give it up. Maybe I am chasing a ghost. Maybe I am falling the way the others fell and I should have known better... I was lucky to have what I had. I should just be grateful for that.

I just got seduced with the thought of him being there. Inspired consistantly.

I found this B-side Scissor Sisters song yesterday on Soul Seek. It made me cry (they always do). It's frightening how close it is.

Doctor (I am only seeing dark)

Oh..
I just want to sleep
Sleep with you
In my bed
With or without you
Come to me
Where are you please
Can you help me
Doctor please
Can you help me

Doctor
Can you help me
I got a broken heart
You gotta help me fix it
I'm only seeing dark
I got some big expectations
And since of your reputation
Will you help me
I'm only seeing dark
I'm only seeing dark

Oh..
Thought it would change
Change for good
You're bad
I was right
But I can't tell
Where I am
Can you help me

Doctor
Will you tell me
I had to treat my heart
I need my wounds mistaking
I'm only seeing dark
I got some habitations
Is this a simulation
Will you help me
I'm only seeing dark
I'm only seeing dark

One night
What a magical night
Dark outside but the birds are bright
I'm fine I'm fine
I can step in time
Brush from past
But I just re-wind