2003-04-21. Drowning in shit...
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I find myself just wanting to hide lately. To find a little hole and crawl in. I�m tired of playing the games that friends play. I�m tired of trying to deal with everyone�s crap and everyone expecting me to be there for them. I�m drained and I�m spent. Is it wrong to feel this selfish and want some time for me? I have a naturally curious nature and I seem to be predisposed to wanting to help people. This sounds like a good thing, but it really isn�t; at least not right now. It�s really a horribly life sucking way to live. I always want to know what�s going on and I always listen to people vent and complain and whine. I am empathic and very sensitive.

Yesterday Alyx and I were talking over breakfast about people who are always worried what others think growing up and never really finding themselves, or becoming themselves and always thinking that they are so certain who they are, when really they depend on others opinions of them to tell them where they stand. I said that I feel unfinished a lot, especially in comparison to him being so grounded in himself. He told me that he thought that I was pretty complete and that I seem to be able to deal with life and life�s curves. That I deal with them maturely and in the best way that I can, he said he just thinks that my problems are more hormonal. That my emotions are what stands in my way, that my tendency to cry and get overwrought easily are what are my millstones. I agreed� but how do you fix that?

I don�t know where I was really going with that. I guess I was just thinking about it. I need my own space to really live with the person that is me. I think moving into a house with my roommate and our friend Jason may not be the best thing for me. But I want to live in a house and I�m afraid of what living alone will cost me. Not to mention that my job is rather unstable right now�

I just want to float away into a place where I can be alone and posses my own domain. Where the furniture is all mine, I don�t have to shoulder anyone else�s burdens and I am solely responsible for the running of my kingdom.

I need to crown myself Queen of my court and rule with an iron fist. Even if the only subject is me.