2003-05-15. The word *fear* appears more times in Macbeth than any other play by Shakespeare...
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I realized today that my current problem is fear. I�m letting it hold me back in every area right now. I have several rather major decisions to make and I am putting them all off because I am afraid. I am afraid and don�t feel like I have one stable thing to rely on, so why the hell would I sweep kick myself and take the risk of tumbling it all?

I need a new car very badly. In order to get a new car, I need to get a loan or financing. I am afraid that I will not be able to make payments, or be able to handle the extra insurance. I also am buckling under the pressure of choosing a car. I mean, I know nothing about cars, which was obvious in my last choice. I am paranoid that I�ll get another junker like I have now.

Come September I need to find a new place to live. I have been presented with the option of living with my current roommate and some friends moving here from Florida. I do not want to do this. I think all the energy in the house from her and all the animals is making me insane. I have major issues with the animals and her not caring for the cat and him thinking I�m his mom. I also don�t want to add another cat to the mix with Jason and Tim�s arrival either. So I have to save up money for a deposit on a place � more than likely alone, which sounds lovely, but I am scared that I can�t afford it.

I would like to get a new job. It all comes down to the fact that I need to make a bit more money than I do. I also really am sick of my boring ass job, but that�s another, lesser, issue. We were supposed to get raises in January but the company *couldn�t afford it* so they said they�d re-evaluate the situation in July. I really hope that they do. If I don�t get a raise then I will definitely quit. I�ll have been here a year and they treat us like crap for the most part. I�ve been thinking about temp agencies, which is scary, because we all know what happened to me in NY with temp agencies � I only got work sometimes, when the *season* was good. I also would maybe wait tables again� Who knows.

And then there�s Alyx. Things with us are really great, when we�re together we do really well. The only thing is, I�m getting kind of fed up with the living situation. I feel like he�s trying to have his cake and eat it too. I mean, it was his idea for us to move apart which, there is no argument here, helped our relationship immensely. So he got the apartment since he has bad credit. I moved in with Melissa. Now we still see each other at least 60% of the week, but it�s at his house. I have to pack an overnight bag and go over there. Last night I forgot to bring lunch so I had to ask him to please pick something up on the way to work for us to eat. I didn�t get to shower since his showerhead is broken and since I have no shampoo or anything at his house. He seems to not like my stuff over at his place, but what am I supposed to do? I�m a girl! I have HAIR, I need shampoo and I need cleanser and if we�re going to go clubbing together I need other things and I can�t always carry it all home with me.

He doesn�t like coming to my apartment. He acts like he�s so put out and bored. Then he�ll complain that he can�t sleep well on my bed, when it�s the same bed we had when we lived together. So I�m never home. I never get time to myself, really. I feel like I never get to clean my room � which is too small anyway. I�ve talked to him about it once and he said he had no excuse, he said he�s just lazy. Well great, thanks. That helps the situation a lot.

I swear, I never thought that I would miss irrational relationship shouting matches, but right now I think I can�t take his calm listening. I want to see him passionate about something. To yell or get really excited or cry� I also don�t want to bring it up because at best it will go like this:

Me: You need to start putting in as much time on me as I put in on you

Him: Okay

Then out of obligation he starts coming over to my house and still looks pained and bored to be there. Great. That�ll be fun. So why should I bother, right? Why don�t I just give up and make it easier on one of us at least instead of trying to make both of us happy? Why? because that�s not right or fair!!

But I love him so much and it really comes down to the fact that I love being with him and he loves being with me. But he wants his bachelor apartment where he�s king of the roost and I come over and we eat and laugh and have sex and then I leave. I love him and want to be with him and I�m afraid to risk giving up that. I�m afraid that even though it�ll be going on three years that we�ve been together, that he�s not looking to commit to me anymore. Sometimes I�m torn. Sometimes I feel like, why rush it? And then I feel like I need to settle down into some sort of adult committed relationship. I feel like I want to grow up a little, to feel like I am making SOME progress in my life post college. I look at friends who are doing nothing and don�t want to be like that. Picturing my ex living with his parents and working at a Mexican restaurant make me cringe. I just want to keep moving forward in life, and if my career is going nowhere, I�d really like for my really good relationship to actually grow.

And every time I think about this shit I convince myself that it�s my problem. What the fuck is up with that??