2003-05-30. spit out the pits...
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I am in this asshole of a place today. Well, it�s been creeping in all week. The doubting, the inner twists, the confusion. I don�t know what the fuck is wrong with me. Maybe I do and don�t know how to say it or get the strength to�.

I need assurances. I read this as a comment someone wrote in a friends� LJ:

all a man needs in life is:

A switchblade

A lighter

Leather

and a girl you would eat glass for.

Makes me wonder� I could say that that was true in the past. That he�d eat glass for me. But now, I�m not so sure. I wonder why he keeps me around. I want to feel like I�m working so fucking hard at loving him because he�s doing the same for me. Fighting.

He�s always said that Respect, Admiration and Trust = Love. Well there�s all of that, but what about passion? Actually being excited to be with someone. Actually giving the impression that you give two shits about spending time with me.

Don�t take me for granted.

But why shouldn�t he? I�m not going anywhere. All I really want is him and I�m not going to break up with him. Hell, I fogave him fucking another girl while I waited for him and then moving him to New York practically solely on my dime. I have doormat written all over me, right? I wish I could say that that�s true. That it�s that easy. But it�s not. I *know* he cares for me SO much. Deep down I know he would eat glass for me. I just wish that I could hear about it once in a while. The sincere *I know I have a great girl* comments have been replaced with a joking/sarcastic *yeah, well, I guess she�s alright* said with a smirk. I just wish it wasn�t all buried under this place that�s been all about Alyx for the past year. All about him being comfortable and being able to make his own life here. I totally respected that and still do, but after a year I�d hope that he�s got some shit figured out by now. Or at least stop punishing me because he doesn�t. Or worse, always blaming me for being here. I am blowing this out of proportion, I know. But if I knew what to say to him about it, it�d be a totally different situation.

I am foul today. I hate PMS.