2002-11-09. Feeling goofy
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It's nice to know you are not alone sometimes. But then, it also makes me feel very pathetic or I don't know, useless... I just feel so damned goofy... It seems that's the only word I can use to describe it lately. I am happy, life is pretty good other than the usual broke bullshit, but why do I keep looking over my shoulder. Why can't I just live where I am? Why must I keep wanting more?

Does that make me a dreamer? Or just whiny and malcontented? Am I thinking too much about this? Probibly. I just wish i were making more money, feeling more stable. I just wish I could stop saying this and find a place of my own!!

I see these people my age and they have nice cars that run and don't need major repairs every month, nice homes they either rent or even own... I wonder what I'm doing wrong. I was told that an artist's life was going to be hard, but, I just feel like I keep pushing anf pushing lately and I'm waiting for the give...

And I read and hear so much about all these people who are tired of being lonely, and I keep thinking that maybe that's all I really want. To feel... alone, independant, empowered. To feel like I actually own myself for once. Right now I feel like everyone had a part of me. I have got obligations to everyone else; my boyfriend, my dog, my roommate, my job, my parents, my friends. And I love them all so much, I want to give to them. I want to give too much, anf I do. I always feel that I miss the day for me. But I never have the luxery of having a day for me. Monitarily or timewise.

Gah... I need to get back to work... At least I have a job with good benifits, I can not get fired...