2005-06-14. Expect Greatness
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We are talking again. I couldn't take it anymore. I was slowly dying at my own hand. Well not completely at my own hand. I mean he's the one who drinks too much...

We hung out the other night. It was simply divine. But we are "taking it slow" which is probably good I suppose but totally strange. It feels so foreign and awkward. I worry if I am calling too much - or if he's not calling me because of whatever reason. I feel like I am 19 or something. Feel like I just met him. But baby steps I suppose. We are still "open" but I told him that it as to work both ways. But I have a knack for finding every guy who wants more than just an occasional date. They all want more from me. That's the irony, eh? I want that too at some point but they never are enough for me. I demand a lot. I expect greatness.

Having to break a friends heart this weekend was really hard, but at least I was honest about it. I can't give him what he's looking for. Beyond my relationship with J. I had now idea how it felt about me. It was a total surprise. I was floored.

My problem is that random sex seems to always disappoint (except when I met J). I am always left feeling unsatisfied and they are all starry eyed. Yeah - I rock. But the passion is rarely there for me. The few I have come close to hope for it have not gotten past making out for whatever reasons. Making out is sometimes more fun though. But since A and I broke up there have been so few that I have cared to let in. I let him in. And he's so cozy curled up inside my heart...

I have a lot going on right now and I need to be working on it all. Things are messed up for me. I need to find my kitties a new home, I need to get a new job. I need to clean my damned apartment. I was going to go up to the Shortstop and get a drink tonight. But maybe I'll just watch a movie alone and try to get some sleep. Do some acting work - work on my "daydreaming" and just daydream all those sweet moments I could be having. Because they never live up to the way they are inside.

My tummy hurts. I need to take some Tums and drift away to make believe land...