2003-04-02. rotiing inside
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I suppose I just never dealt with it. I tried to let it go and tell myself that it didn�t matter in the long run. Because it really doesn�t. But that didn�t stop me from freaking out on Jen that one night when the dam was kicked down. But I thought I was ok about it after a while. Well, I guess it did affect me and I haven�t let it bother me in a long time. So why do I seem to find my thoughts drifting there every day? Something I wish I could erase it even though I had nothing to do with it� but I didn�t deserve it either. I guess that�s what bothers me. I feel like I shouldn�t be the one whose feeling like this, well, I think they do too. But how does that help me? It doesn�t make me feel better to know that there�s angst in someone else or guilt even and if they have it, do they think about it every day lately, too? I wish I could hate because of it. Most people never get to see how easy a road hate is and how much strength and torture forgiveness is. Does the person on the other side realize it?

I do not like feeling victimized I suppose, or more accurately I don�t like coming off like I feel victimized, because, you know, *I�m stronger than that* whatever� I don�t want to talk about it really. Well, maybe I do, but what�s to talk about? I feel like I have no right to bring it up and what the hell would I say if I did? Um, hey, I�m bugged even though this was previously discussed and supposedly dealt with.? Yeah, right.

Whatever. I guess I want it out there, but once it�s out there and resolution is sought and expected, what answer will I have? None. Nothing can be done because nothing is really wrong, per se, other than my inflamed and agitated brain.

I just want to take a knife and cut it out of me. Sometimes ignorance is bliss when human nature keeps kicking you in the ass.

Don�t be offended if I don�t respond to comments. I wasn�t even sure if I wanted to post this here�