2002-12-26. Selfish Me...
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I�m trying to figure out my life. Make sense of it all, really. I have come to one decision that I�m still struggling with, but that may have to be made. I emailed Pauly, my exboyfriend, to see if he wanted to take PJ. I know he won�t be able to because he�s moving to NC with his parents and his mom is allergic, but I know he loves her and would love to have her, so I asked. It�s really really hard to do but I really am at a loss for what that dog needs. I feel like I'm doing nothing right with her. That living in the city is too much for her. The noises and people frighten her and she reacts rather poorly to it all. She needs quiet and privacy and more neutrality, none of which I can offer her right now. I live on a crammed street with many trash trucks, bums, kids and mexicans *and seriously � my dog is a racist, she�s terrified of Mexicans... and kids. Like shits herself terrified*.

I am not sure what to do and this pains me in ridiculous ways, but I cry too much over this it seems and find myself questioning if I should ever have children because of her... I wonder if I'm a horrible person a lot... I need to clean up my life, really, and not get lost on the distractions. I just don�t know what to do with her, what I did that was wrong with her. What I can do to make it right with her... Sometimes the right answer hurts, but, sometimes you know it�s right... or that it�s all you can do.

I just have a lot on my mind right now and a lot to sort through. So I�m sorry if I�m acting distant or short or something, but things are really tough for me right now in annoying stupid ways. I know I have it pretty good, but I am in a pretty foul place lately so just let me be. I�ve tried very hard to make the right choices in my life and think I�ve done a pretty fair job of dealing with what I�ve been dealt with minimal negative fallout. I need to live my life and do things that are right for me, not worrying so much about what others need. I expend far too much energy worrying about taking care of other people. I�m sorry if it hurts people, but I can�t be friends with or heal everyone if I can�t even have a moment to focus on myself. You can call me a bitch or call me selfish all you want, but fuck you. Obviously you and I shouldn't be friends then, should we?