2000-12-13. Absent Friends
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Why is it that I have to be such a motherly fuck? Why must I insist on wanting to heal the world? I read my friends diaryland entry and I want to scream at people and hug him and reach out...and I feel so far away... I feel so out of touch with everyone. I want to hold Jodi's baby. I want to be there when she's born. Another friends dad died...I just found out... Some other friends got married and are expecting in January... I just found out... I have some ties here, but I feel ages away. Is that what comes with "growing up"?

Poor Alyx feels kind of lonely. I guess would be the word. I have some people here. He moved here for me. He has one aquaintence here. He's lonely. I don't know what to do (because of course, I want to fix it). He's used to going out to clubs and having a flock of friends. He even made friends right away in Salt Lake City... We went out to a club the other night, but he only knew the one guy. I have a feeling my presence is probibly a deterrent as well. I mean, face it, he's hot. People want him. There were quite a few who were throwing themselves at him...Some literally: fat domanatrix...<>... But I never had that kind of life. People never really knew me at clubs. My exboyfriends didn't really go to clubs with me, so I didn't really go. I'm SO glad that the two of us enjoy going out all dressed up together. We both try to "out-hot" the other (I think he wins...)

I guess I can only do my best. But why is that never enough for me?