2000-12-27. pondering the ex...
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Before I go, I need to talk about MY ex for a bit. Is it wrong to feel sad that he didn't call or email on my birthday? Because I do. We correspond occasionally and aren't on bad terms. I know he knew it was my Bday. After 3 and a half years it's burned into your skull. Maybe he did. I don't have a machine. I don't know if anyone called. I can only assume they all forgot.

I also had a little revelation yesterday. I was writing a letter to Alyx on the Subway, telling him how much I loved him and I realized something about my past relationship. He always thought that I wasn't trying hard enough. And I always thought that he was just not accepting of my solutions. I realized that I was giving my all. My all in the sense that it's all I could do at that time. I knew it would never really work, deep down. I knew that no matter what I did, something would get lost. Whether it was my career, or my relationship. I was at a very crucial time when we started dating, career-wise. Throughout that whole 3 years. That's not to say I'm not at a crucial time now (it's always crucial), but it's certainly a different phase. I was in kind of my birth phase. I had to watch it closely, do all I could.

Or maybe I just had no choice - I had to be at school and doing my thirty other projects to feel like my work was worthwhile. I couldn't give everything he needed to him. I don't think I'm the person who can do that - well, I *know* I'm not. Duh. But it didn't mean I didn't care about our relationship, or him. That relationship was part of my birth, my ultra growth of that time. My life now is a product of that relationship. It was very impacting. I wouldn't change it.

But I can see, now, how far I can go. I see myself doing things, and thinking things, and feeling things I've never even thought I was capable of. I had written these things off as out of my personality, when they were always there, I just needed a person who really is capable of supporting me, as well as getting support. I always said that working out problems took effort from both sides, and I don't think either of us were willing to put forth the true effort necessary. Two people, highly compatable, yet totally not. Wierd.

And it always takes a new and better situation to see this stuff. Knowledge is just opening the door and seeing what's on the other side.

I had tried to tell him a couple times early on. I tried to get him to give up on me. He wouldn't. I was glad in a way. In a way it made me even more terrified... My best friend said that "He couldn't let go of you until he knew he'd have someone else to move on to". That hurt. Because I knew it was true. Apparently (as I found out post-break up) everyone saw the codependancy but me. *shrugs*

I still love my ex, in a certain way. I miss him a lot sometimes. I don't ever want to lose touch with him. I don't want to find out that things are shitty for him. I'll always be there when I can be. But things have changed in my perspective. I feel things I didn't think I would, I want to do things I thought I didn't want to do. I feel happy, all the time. I feel supported. I feel like I have someone I can go to, without judgement. Alyx is the only person who's ever made me feel like that.

And let me tell you, it is an amazing feeling.

Like a completely new person inside of me.