2000-12-28. 'birds of a feather, now and forever'
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*floating in*

Hi. My name is Mandi and I'm chronically late, this is day 10.

oops.

It's amazing how your principles go right out the window when you aren't happy with something.

I have so much to say today, and I don't know if I can. I will give myself some praise, however. I made my book of audition logs, mailout logs, casting notices, etc. I'm very proud of myself, and excited. (I may have metioned it yesterday). I also put my mood indicator up! AND did some minor tweaking of it, all on my own. I figured out how to change a few things. I REALLY want to learn more about HTML and I feel like minor sucesses are good steps towards that. This may seem very simple to you computer freaks, but I'm a newbie here!

"SUCESS!" as Jim would yell...

Where to begin?

One of the checks we deposited finally cleared yesterday, so I thought drinks were in order. So we met at the Art Bar, our new favorite flavor of the week, after I was done doing a poor job of selling programs at 'Kiss Me, Kate'. He was two drinks ahead of me, chatting it up with some guy who's gonna hook us up with 40% off books (!). He swiftly orders me a drink, exactly how I like it (Vodka martini, up, dirty, Belvadere, extra olives. Ahhh). We proceed to get into a deep discussion about us for the next almost 3 hours. Getting drunker and drunker. We've officially decided to move to LA next December. We're gonna visit in May or so. We talked about...everything. It made me kind of retreat a bit into myself, and it's probibly why I'm *tiny* today.

On the subway this morning I asked if the talk made him feel better. He said yes, but it was not intended to make anyone feel better or worse, just to discuss and decide. Which I guess means that he doesn't feel bad, or worried too much. But when he discusses things in a serious manner he gets so, um, serious, that it can be a little intimidating and fatherly feeling in a way and I get almost scared of the seriousness of the situation. But I think that's just me being wierd. I digress...

I told him it made me feel scared in a way. Because he talked about his being used to being fiercely independant for so many years, answering to no one, and how he will just take off the instant a relationship is not suiting him. Which is good. And it's honest, and it's upfront, which I want. BUT it's also scary to be faced with a comment like that. How he's very, very rarely been dumped, and I very rarely dump people. I work and work and work at it. So I guess I'm scared that we're in classic positions. I'm also just insecure and paranoid. But those are whole other issues to discuss...

We also talked career and motivation a lot. I told him that he has been with me at the slowest and most difficult time for me. That what he's seeing is *not* the norm. How any one of my friends/exes could tell him: I am career obsessed. I will bust ass to make it happen. He's seeing me at the 'lowest of the low' (to be said in Scottish accent). He's just concerned that I'm gonna coast. Which at first - to me - sounds offensive. But he doesn't know. And I've given him no reason to think otherwise. *grunts*

He's never even seen me act.

(I don't count the AntiBabe show - that was me at play and it was a very unique situation)

That's a wierd thing for me. Everyone I've known has in some way been familiar with my work, or at least the volume of it.

I also get freaky about all his super hot exgirlfriends. I feel mousy. But I think I tend to feel mousy a lot and right now I have no motivation to get pretty for work. But I want to get pretty for him. Because I always feel so plain. I don't want him running off with some super hot chick. He thinks I'm crazy on this one. He's right. I've NEVER been like this about my guys exes. This is new ground for my insanity.

This got long. I'm sorry. I could keep going, too, that's the sad thing.

But after last night, we're gonna make it happen. LA in a year. Our lives are going to move forward. Together.