2001-01-29. inroads to a place that's unknown
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Okay. Life moved forward a teensy bit. Guess where I am??

WORK!

Hey, what a novel idea. I never made it to one of those two temp agencies, but I went to the other (the later one, of course) and took the tests and blah blah blah. I did best on Power Point, which I was shown how to use ONCE and have actually never used, but didn't score nearly as high on Word and Excel, which I've had repeated training on and used over and over... Whatever...Now I have three...

I also left out that I'm leaving in the interview. My mom said I shouldn't have told the other two. She said that's why they aren't calling. Fucks. Like they couldn't give me a short term assignment because I am only available for 3 weeks. Cock faced motherfuckers.

So rent is due in a few days and, well, we don't have it. And what we do "have" is in checks that we are still waiting on. We have about 150 bucks in the bank & I still have 3 credit card bills to pay...

Rent is $1600.

*deep breaths*

So as I've been home for the past two weeks or so, I have become increasingly depressed. It was really bad in the latter end of this week. It was all about me crying all day and coordinating dinner for Alyx's arrival.

I liked how happy the immediate food made him, but I became more depressed over the fact that my day was centered around cooking for him and doing dishes. I would never have made it in the 50's. Open oven, insert head.

I'd talk to Mike(md) on the phone:

md: hey

mm: ...hey

md: so what'd you do today?

mm: ...well...um...i mopped the floor

md: that's good! (sounding excited and proud - basically throwing me a goddamned life vest)

mm: oh. that's all, though.

md: no job yet?

mm: no

So, blah. Wednesday I'm hitting a strip bar. Immediate cash is a neccessity. That's right kids, so broke it's time for naked... Actually I'm hoping for a cigarette girl position. I'm just not in the mood to hustle people. I may just be a bit intimidated by the whole NY stigma, too. I mean I figure it'll be a lot different than Orlando.

Yes Alyx knows. Yes he's cool with it. - As cool as can be, I mean, ya know.

So shit's really sucked. Thursday, Friday, Saturday were collosal pity party days. I sobbed on the bed one night while Alyx vegged a bit, post-work, post-domesticated dinner, and since we live in one big room, there was no real hiding that I was crashed out on the bed (I'd been doing a good job of sobbing during the dishes or after he had gone to sleep, so as not to alert him, since I really couldn't pinpoint the direct source of my riduculous sobbing and soul crushingness) he comes over and asked what was wrong, I said, "Nothing" and he said, "Well, I'm in this relationship, too, I'd like to know" He said it rather firmly and I picked up on the "Jesus god you're pregnant" vibe that dripped off his every pore.

I almost laughed... Feeling even sillier saying "No, I'm just really sad..." I felt like such a dumbass, but not in that, "Gee, aren't I a big goofball, shucks!" as the crowd grins and says "That's Our Mandi!"

No.

This was a "I feel like a dumbass" in that: I'm such a piece of shit that has no job and is sitting at home planning dinner and stewing in my own miserable spiraling desent into self deprication.... kind of way.

Which I shouldn't shoulder so much resposibility for it. I mean he's the one who spent that paycheck while I was gone...

But saturday, he turned me around. And he did it by doing nothing. Just with his steady comforting eyes.

We were going to the club (Albion at the Batcave) and I hated how I looked - as usual. So that wasn't helping. We had $20, which at best would be *a* drink a piece (after coat check and tipping). We get in free, we're on the guest list, and we knew Pete would probibly buy us a drink or so... Anyway...

Alyx went through the turnstyle at the subway station, and I swipe my card and it gave me all sorts of shit: "Please swipe again" over and over, then it says "just used", which, for those of you who use the subways know, means I can't use my unlimited MetroCard again for another 18 minutes at that station. So I start to freak. I've been perpetually on the brink of tears for days and this happens. Alyx is peering through the bars at me, looking concerned as I start to crack. I haven't near gotten my money's worth of the damn thing that week, being umemployed and a depressed shut in, and now I had to BUY a token with our tiny amount of money so we could catch the train.

So I'm digging in my pockets for $3 (we were not near a teller - just a machine, so you have to buy a minimum of 2 fares) as I start blubbering and cursing... And then I hear the signal for the train.

FUCK!

So I'm no longer calm trying to count quarters as I slump into the machine and cry. There's no catching that train. Alyx says something to me. I don't remember what. I just remember staring at him. Then he starts to come back around and I'm telling him "No, I'll find some change!!" He doesn't listen to me. He comes over and hugs me and says, "we'll just wait, baby". And let me tell ya, when he calls me baby, it seems to just slap me with a stupid stick and I practically drool on myself... "okay" I squeak.

I can't look at him, I feel really stupid.

I mutter that I need a cigarette so we go hide by the stairs and I smoke, unable to look at him. Shaking. Feeling his eyes burning into me. I feel so stupid.

I thank him for not getting mad. He says he doesn't understand how that would help, so he figures there's no point. He's right.

He then says, "You must have dated some real assholes"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, you're surprised at my behavior"

I thought for a bit.

We talk about it some. I say that "Pauly wouldn't have gotten mad at me neccesarily" and he finished my sentence with "but he would have BEEN mad" I hesitated with a 'yeah'.

I explain that Pauly and I spent 3 years frustrated with each other. I say, "we had a lot of fun, we were good together, we really enjoyed each other we just..."

"weren't compatable"

"yeah...I guess"

It sounds so simple sometimes.

Beep beep beep... Train's coming! So we book in to the turnstyle and, wouldn't you know, couple in front of us has same problem... Another missed train. So we go complain. The lady lets us all in...

I look at him as we're waiting and realize that I was glad we missed the train...

I felt better.

I felt like someone had removed their boot from my spirit.

I just looked at him and thought about how amazing he is for hours.

We got to the club - $4 at coat check and Pete bought us two drinks. We saw our friends (we've met some really great people) and made a few more. We danced, even there there was NO ROOM. We listened to Mark chatter on the way only X makes you chatter. Then we left. Before we were too tired, before we were too drunk (or drunk period - 2 drinks? please). And we got home at 4:30. Early. Ahhh... And we slept in yesterday. Then I tried emailing Bob some photos for the film from Steve and Sandra's digital camera. Alyx went to work with Steve at Jerry's, laying the bathroom tile design he drew. So he was gonna be gone all night, so Sandra and I hung out. She found 20 bucks and bought me a calzone. Mmmmm. Alyx came in around 6:15 am. I had to be up shortly, so we had some yummy sex and I dozed for 20 more minutes and went to work.

And here I am. At some computer technology place.

I'm dying for a cigarette. One of the staff smokes like a chimney over at her desk... I want one. I suppose I could ask if I could smoke, but I feel wierd about doing that. I'm a temp. I'm only gonna be here for a total of two days - they think it's three, but I haven't told them I'll be gone next week... I'm gonna mention it Wednesday...

So here I am eating Nerds and finally typing in my diary.

I've missed you... *said in seductive voice*

I'll have access to a computer when I'm in Orlando. I fly in on Sunday the 4th. I'm staying with Jodi in house of baby. I'm excited. We went to buy her a gift last week but my check card declined the $20 purchase... *sigh*

I may try and go back with a credit card. I have what I paid on them last month available...*weak laugh*

This has gotten supremely long. Thanks for sticking around - if you have. I'll release you now.

be free