2001-03-13. the glue that sticks
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2 in one night...can you believe it? In 2 hours no less... What can I say, I have to feed the masses... Or really I had my 200th breakdown in those two hours since I last wrote.

I moved to NY to escape, basically. I was heartbroken and S.O.L. for a roommate and job. So I came here hoping for amazing things with my new friend. Well, I didn't expect to meet quite possibly, the love of my life "for real this time" before I left... Complication? Yes. But he moved here, too, problem solved. But now were being forced to go through the "honeymoon" of our relationship in the struggle period of our (or mostly my) life.

Where am I going with this? I think that's my problem. I know where I want to be, and it seems NY is just one bug fucking millstone in the way of getting there! I just want to feel like I've succeeded at something... How can you do it if you can't spell it??? I just want so much out of life and it takes time and planning and seed plating to be a success, and I can't do that now. I need to get out of this fucking place!

I like it here - sometimes. I don't like that I didn't want to go through the collosal pain in the ass it is getting to Queens to help my best friend move. One of the few people in that illustrious "best friend" catagory that really is. He's always there for me, and tonight I feel that I've let him down in some way. Because I didn't want to walk the mile to the subway at 9:00 to take an hour long subway ride to Queens and help him load his shit into a car service. Am I a good friend?

Now, in defense of myself, I was locked in the bathroom sobbing for a half an hour when he called me to say he was running late...

So was I, I guess.

And the dog peed ALL over the doorway... 5 foot river... Just as I opened the door to take her outside - WOOSH... I think I was screaming and I hurled my cigarettes across the room.

All I could think as I was cleaning it up was how Alyx is probibly having second thoughts about his choice as mother of his children...

But, after I locked myself away in the bathroom, and he came in, he just let me know that it's okay and all that, and that he worries that I don't tell him how I feel enough, that I try to hide my problems/issues from him. I told him that I feel like a failure and that I feel stupid and other such things. He made me a cup of tea and we talked a bit. Nothing too deep, mostly about how we don't want our relationship to suffer because of stupid "life is hard" BS. And as we sat there and talked I started fiddling with his new sketch book. It's mostly rough outlines of things. Beginnings. And I happen to turn to a page with something written on it. I recognize it instantly...

I'm going to backtrack for one second... A week or so ago I wrote about me and Alyx tripping together (oh - and we've located the breaker switch with our nieghbors CD player on it, so it's been a quiet few days!!) and I said he 'said some shit that made me feel good' or something like that. Well, I didn't write about it because I guess I got freaky about getting so personal and people I know getting stupid on me. So here it is anyway, don't be stupid because I may hate you for it later: we were gushing as 'cid makes ya do, and we, of course got all gushy about each other. He says to me "So, when I ask you to marry me, you're going to say yes, right?" I cried and nodded, not knowing how to respond other than that. He told me how he's been trying to get a ring of his mothers from his sister - she got it when their mother died years ago. He wants it to be my engagement ring when the time comes.

Pauly and I used to say that we'd get married when we needed new furniture. That it was silly, who needs a piece of paper to say you love someone? Well, since meeting Alyx, I understand the desire to get married. To want to be with someone so completely and wholly forever... And I've felt this way for a while with him, and I honestly felt it somewhere nameless within me back when we were just emailing, I just thought it was excitement over this new and wonderful person I had met and who brightened my day just at the thought of him, or mention of his name... I think these things now and it's terrifing...

So as I opened this book, I saw scrawled in his handwriting, the very lyric I had picked as what I wanted for my wedding vow to him, and below it a design for a ring... I couldn't breathe. I was choking on my own sobs, I just kept flipping not sure what to say, my finger holding the place of that page. I kept starting to speak and choking on the words, gagging and gurgling as discreetly as possible before finally turning back to that page because there were no more to flip. I pointed at the quote, head moving to speak. I told NO ONE about this. At ALL. I didn't even write the quote out in my journal, I just wrote about coming up with it, I knew I'd know exactly what I meant, and here it is in his handwriting above ring sketches.

I finally spit it out, haltingly and akward. He just gets this small all knowing grin, almost amused at my being so befuddled, and points out how he's trying to incorporate a bat into the jewel bed (or whatever it's called) of the ring.

How does he know these things? I really have to tell myself that he really exists sometimes. I mean, don't get me wrong, he's not perfect. He leaves his towels everywhere and can't clean the dishes to save his life, not to mention a criminal record and frightening credit... But his essence is so stunning to me. And he doesn't freak out about me being insane and throwing shit and crying hysterically. Or me maybe working at a strip club to make us some money...

I just don't want to let him down...

So we keep on. Supporting each other as needed. Not out of obligation, but because we care about each other and we want the other to fly.

Alyx wrote to me once, while I was in St. Thomas:

...Knots can change but they must be well behaved. An informal knot is a messy knot. I wish to be held by a single loop of love. The cord passing our bodies has no sharp twists or sinister turns. Our wrists are not tied and there is no noose about our necks...

that's only a minute portion of a two page beautiful work. It was hard decieding where to start and stop. You can't really get a full grasp of how beautiful it is without taking in the whole thing. I hope someday to have a chapter in here of them all. We'll see. It would be a major undertaking. I believe I wrote about how I wanted to write them all out and bind them for him for VDay, but I only had his half. Well, he started writing out mine on nice paper apparently, but the windows leaked on them and they were ruined... I'll make it happen, someday.

Well. I have worn myself out in my hysterics today, and miles of walking. So I should sleep and dream of me and Alyx... rich.