2001-03-17. can you push-start life like my old VW Bug?
=======
Well, Saturday it is. Alyx and I should be honoring our good ol' Irish/Scottish heritage and drinking mass quantities of beer... But are broke and can't. Spent our last real money on groceries, and didn't seem to buy much of anything. As usual. Where are our rich friends? Oh yeah, they don't exist.

At least my mom gave us some money...:)

Sitting here listening to the Depeche Mode, World in My Eyes single... Easily my favorite. Sea of Sin is truly one of their best songs, and Happiest Girl kicks so much ass... Can't wait for the new album.

"Sea of sin, know where you've been

cuz I've been there"

Steve had a friend who "turned on our gas" for us. Yikes. We have a feeling he didn't "turn his on" next door so if they come after us, it won't look like his fault. He seemed to really want his space heater back. But we're probibly paranoid.

I love being with Alyx. He makes me feel like things will be okay...somehow. He does't freak out like I do. But he did say, as I was sobbing for those 2 hours the other night, that someday when he does freak out over something, whatever it is, he'll need me to be strong for him. I told him that I owed him 4 World Wars of strength repaid for all he does for me. He just smiled.

I just hope that one day we can look back at all this BS and appreciate where we've gotten. Because we ARE going places, as soon as we get a chance to show people how amazing we both are...

He wrote me the most beautiful note the other day... He loves me in ways I could never understand. Instead of trying to control me, he just accepts me for me.

You sometimes can't see the subtleties in those "power over" people. The controllers. They don't even realize that they try to fit you into what they think you should be, and get upset with you when you don't "act correctly". He just lets me be me.

Which sometimes makes me overly critical of myself. Like "he probibly thinks I'm an idiot for saying that". But when I say something self-deprecating he gets upset at me. I really hurt his feelings to demean myself. And it's not an annoyed upset, either. You know how some people get really, "now don't you say something like that, you are a very smart girl" kinda condescending. Well he gets very firm and sharp. "Don't you dare say something like that" or whatever. I can't explain it, really. But I don't feel like I'm being scolded, but I actully feel worth something. Like I'm really this wonderful person for all of the shit I thought was so retarded.

He wants to paint a picture of me. I was so floored. I wanted to scream. I smiled for hours. Hell, I still am. He says he has an idea for something and he wants to start it soon.

But he really needs to finish that crazy seed pod for Voltaire. He wants it done by the time he gets back from GothCon. Did I mention he's doing some work for a show on scifi.com? The show's called Chi-Chian. Check it out... I can't. This dinosaur of a computer would smoke if I thought too hard about watching it. I had trouble with the fucking Ryder truck website...

Can I just say again that I have no idea where we're going to get $3200 for this and next months rent???

I'm waiting for the good part of our life to start. No more of this frantic shit. I know I signed myself up for a difficult life as an actor, but all I'm asking for is regular employment to pay the bills... And not even acting work at this moment. Although that's all I want to be doing every day. I think dreamily about getting cast in a show, doing something.

I guess that's what sucks the most about being marooned here in Gotham. We can't start life until we get where we're going. I feel like I fucked shit up A LOT. I just want to get somewhere so I can stop dreaming and start fucking making shit happen.

"Sea of sin, know where you've been

and I don't care"